The dictionary definition of grief is this: '1) Deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement. 2) Annoyance or frustration. 3) Trouble or difficulty.'
What I interpret from all of these meanings is a lack of finality. A lack of real explanation. What these definitions say is that, this is how you might feel after losing someone that you love. I believe grief to be a state that you enter, and never leave. Grief is like turning over your pillow to get the cold side, and finding that it is baking hot.
When someone close to you passes, people have this habit of telling you that things will get better with time. What they don't tell you is that with time, memories become even fresher and your pain eats away at the core of you. What is it that makes accepting death so difficult? This learned attachment to people around us makes us resent the inevitable.
How are you supposed to grieve? If it is merely something you feel, then how do you express it? You don't. You become inward and cold, distant and quiet. Because why should you have to feel this way when all you did was love? It's so consuming that, when a certain amount of time has passed, you don't consider it to be grief anymore - it's who you are.
I bet we all feel like this, we all notice that something is missing and we pretend that we don't know what it is, because then we would have to open something up inside ourselves that we would rather not. I just want to say that grief is universal and that we all harbour these feelings because we think that they matter only to ourselves, and maybe they do - but we should share them nonetheless.
And so I will start - on this day, a year to the day my Granddad Ken passed away, the man whose very image stalls the air in my throat, I am writing him a letter. The only way I know how.
Dear Granddad,
I love you. A year ago today, your light was put out and I am still struggling to cope with your absence. I cannot think of you without getting upset so I try not to - I'm sorry.
When you lay there so calm, I had no clue how you were feeling. I can still hear the sound of you breathing and it haunts me from time to time. When you first went, I was angry at you for a little while, because I know you felt me squeezing your hand and begging you to stay, but you didn't. I know that was selfish of me, but who would want to lose you?
I miss your scent and your perfect rice. I miss Saturday nights sat up watching old boxing videos. I miss you.
You leaving has left a big gap in my life between me and everything else and it makes me scared. You know that I want to make you proud, you always said I did and I hope I still do.
I love you to the moon and back, until next time.
x
