Growth (I think)

- This is just a sort of run of thoughts. I was going along with whatever I was writing. I haven't looked over this since I've written it so excuse any mistakes. I think it might be better if they were left alone so that the moment isn't spoiled.

Pull/push

Take/give

Undeniably my whole soul is in transition. I thought I had found a sense of peace within, for the first time in… never. I stand and I am. These layers which cover me, protect me, the real me. They’re changing. Can I do anything about it? (More to the point, should I?)

Does my exterior influence my interior more so than the other way round? What my eyes feel and what my body sees. Do these things compromise my inner? Or does my inner overpower everything which stands before me? Balance. I need it again. Can balance be overthrown? There are times when I feel that I am balanced and that I am the most powerful being in my whole world but then this is sometimes consumed by my surroundings. Hurt and pain… destruction. Cause me to rebuild. Am I right to conclude that in my rebuilding, I am trying to regain balance? Or is it my balance which causes me to rebuild in the first place?

I’ve observed growth. As though I have stepped out of myself and looked back over my journey so far – I can see that what stands before me now is strong. Not perfect, nor what I ultimately hope to be, but strong nonetheless. For many reasons which I need not explain. Is this what pride feels like?

Life picks at you in so many ways it’s hard to keep a consistency. Make a figure eight. Stir and stir. Thicken. Mould. Define it. Define you. Or can you? Is it the way you speak, the way you think or the way you handle situations? The way you deal with your problems and the way you deal with other people. Are these the things that define me, personally? I wish I could pin it down to one thing because working out where I end up might be slightly easier – but I guess it is the not knowing which keeps me going.

My soul knows no boundaries. Where my mind works with logic, my soul demands the control – it takes me wherever it wishes, purposefully or not I am not sure but this is the growth I am observing. With every day I am coming into my own. Facing obstacles here and there which throw me off course slightly but I get back on, I keep going. I think this is what makes me proud. Sometimes it takes a change in you for you to appreciate where you have been and where you are now. A lot of the time we overcompensate for our mistakes by not recognising our successes as a way to balance it out and take away some of the guilt and regret. It doesn’t work like that. That’s what I have learnt. By depriving yourself of your own appreciation you do not allow room for growth.

I let go a little bit. Forgave a little bit. Channelled my energies more appropriately. Simplicity. Take it back to a moment where you can remember being truly happy and try to recreate it now in a way which is more fitting to your current situation. That’s what I recommend. But who am I? And what am I? A mere individual trying to find a pattern which suits my soul. And my pattern may not suit you, but I know that we relate because our common goal is love.

When I learn something, whether it is about me, my world or the world I feel like it is my duty to pass it on. I feel it is everyone’s duty. “Knowledge is power” goes the cliché.

(I apologise if this lacks structure, I’m running with it)

Something in me just clicked – I think I have pinpointed what it is that allows you to have inner peace and balance. When you stop moving at society’s pace and start moving at a pace which is tailored to your needs and desires, you learn that the world around you is there to be enjoyed and not just lived in. That’s when you gain a peace within because there is no force working against you (time)… because everything is in your own. (I’m not sure if I make sense, I feel as though my thoughts are becoming more and more unclear as I go along). All of these things are part of my growth – part of why I exist in this present day and the person I am for it.

I’m not sure how I feel about life just yet. That’s something different. Life is bigger than me (though it may not be). But how I feel about me has changed dramatically. It echoes through my very being. From my core, my soul, to my mind and my eyes to my smile. You can see it. I can see it. The eyes of a young woman who is finding her purpose and loving (even loving to hate) every moment of it.