Meditations

Incense fills the air. I can feel the delicate clouds of smoke passing through all areas of my physical and floating along my brain, tickling my heart with its overpowering thickness and depth. I am so aware of my body, with every breath I can feel the smoothness of it without using my sense of touch. As I breathe out I can feel the hairs stand up and catch the incense smoke. Not to miss a single bit, this is the greatest high. It's in my head, in my heart and all over me. Badu is singing to me softly in the background, something about how love can make it better... She's right. She's faint now, I can hear and feel my heart beat in my eyes. My breath is so silent I'm not even sure I'm breathing anymore. I have left my body, I can see it and feel its light and, using my mind's power... I am freeing myself of the negativity which dims it. The leeches of life, the darkeners of light, those thoughts which douse my flame. I am sucking them in, and blowing them out. I am powerful in this state, I am invincible, I am aware. How is it that I can know my body so well without being inside it? I have opened myself up and emptied myself out. I feel free, elated, careless...

This is everything, this is the ultimate high.

Loneliness loves company

Loneliness is a distant friend. 

it's there when you least expect it to be and every now and then it pops back into your life at the most inconvenient times, but in a strange way it's a comfort because you can always rely on loneliness.

You don't want it around but when it comes around you realise that it never really left you and despite that sadness it brings with the friendship it also brings you hope that consistency can be found in other states.

That same consistency can be found in people, in love. Wouldn't that be a nice surprise? If the adamance of loneliness and it's commanding presence was echoed by your surroundings and the people you love. In fact, love and loneliness are closer than we think. 

Their fingers are entwined, those fingers are cosseted in your mind and that is where they breed sadness. Because love is beautiful, but unrequited love loves company - that company being loneliness, despair. And that loneliness is always there. The distant friend. 

Is there a way to end this friendship? Will self-love take it's place and eradicate it's existence or, will it linger on? Waiting until you're vulnerable to surprise you again, catch you off guard...

At least it's consistent. 

Smile

Isn’t it amazing how many different meanings a smile has? In what situations do you smile the most?

The slight parting of the lips as they flatten out and reveal your teeth, or not. We wear our smiles like jewellery, it’s often used for costume and we only bring it out on occasion. A real smile.

Your smile speaks volumes because for every emotion or circumstance there is a different smile. I think that we wear our hearts in our smiles because no matter how much we try to control and lock away our emotions, a smile reveals all. The smile that is wide and unconscious, revealing all of the imperfections you find in it but as a gesture is entirely warming. The smile that is pursed, tight-lipped, offered as a pleasantry in company you’re not quite comfortable around but the lack of sincerity is so obvious, it is reciprocated anyway. The smile that is dead in the eyes – as though paralysed from the nose up, only your mouth smiles because this smile isn’t for you, it is for other people to see that you are OK, the ‘don’t worry’ smile that we all think we can pull off.

My favourite smile is the one for me. Head bowed slightly, in thought about what is, what isn’t, what could be and all in its beauty. So engulfed in thought and contemplation that the smile occurs long before I acknowledge it but smile even wider when I do. The same smile that I pass on to people in the street, as though it’s a game, with a faint hope that they will continue to share theirs. The type of smile that makes your body warm. You can feel it exercising your cheeks. The peak of your cheeks forming two bumps in your vision, eyes glazed and bright. Your head follows the direction of the corners of your mouth and rises ever so slightly so that the light catches your chin and nose perfectly.

What a difference a smile makes. 

I am flesh

- Like most of the writings on my blog this is another mediocre one (apologies)... I don't like parting with some of my best pieces because they're personal but this is kind of a first draft of a poem I have since been working on for a while. The message is pretty self-explanatory I think.

I am flesh, just like you.

When I hurt my pain is common,

My tears salted,

My heart heavy.

My ethnicity: does it matter?

I darken in the sun,

The cold prickles my skin,

The wind tangles my locks.

On one side,

I am a “black” woman,

With intuition, pride and seriousness.

The embodiment.

On the other side,

I am a “white” woman,

With sensitivity, openness and warmth.

The embodiment.

On my side,

Human.

Mind, soul and body.

The truth.

The sides try to split me.

Choose one, be one.

I am one; me.

Mixed race – more than this.

Because both make a whole,

Both are me.

Accept this – or don’t.

But this one is not changing,

Because just like you,

I am flesh. 

Growth (I think)

- This is just a sort of run of thoughts. I was going along with whatever I was writing. I haven't looked over this since I've written it so excuse any mistakes. I think it might be better if they were left alone so that the moment isn't spoiled.

Pull/push

Take/give

Undeniably my whole soul is in transition. I thought I had found a sense of peace within, for the first time in… never. I stand and I am. These layers which cover me, protect me, the real me. They’re changing. Can I do anything about it? (More to the point, should I?)

Does my exterior influence my interior more so than the other way round? What my eyes feel and what my body sees. Do these things compromise my inner? Or does my inner overpower everything which stands before me? Balance. I need it again. Can balance be overthrown? There are times when I feel that I am balanced and that I am the most powerful being in my whole world but then this is sometimes consumed by my surroundings. Hurt and pain… destruction. Cause me to rebuild. Am I right to conclude that in my rebuilding, I am trying to regain balance? Or is it my balance which causes me to rebuild in the first place?

I’ve observed growth. As though I have stepped out of myself and looked back over my journey so far – I can see that what stands before me now is strong. Not perfect, nor what I ultimately hope to be, but strong nonetheless. For many reasons which I need not explain. Is this what pride feels like?

Life picks at you in so many ways it’s hard to keep a consistency. Make a figure eight. Stir and stir. Thicken. Mould. Define it. Define you. Or can you? Is it the way you speak, the way you think or the way you handle situations? The way you deal with your problems and the way you deal with other people. Are these the things that define me, personally? I wish I could pin it down to one thing because working out where I end up might be slightly easier – but I guess it is the not knowing which keeps me going.

My soul knows no boundaries. Where my mind works with logic, my soul demands the control – it takes me wherever it wishes, purposefully or not I am not sure but this is the growth I am observing. With every day I am coming into my own. Facing obstacles here and there which throw me off course slightly but I get back on, I keep going. I think this is what makes me proud. Sometimes it takes a change in you for you to appreciate where you have been and where you are now. A lot of the time we overcompensate for our mistakes by not recognising our successes as a way to balance it out and take away some of the guilt and regret. It doesn’t work like that. That’s what I have learnt. By depriving yourself of your own appreciation you do not allow room for growth.

I let go a little bit. Forgave a little bit. Channelled my energies more appropriately. Simplicity. Take it back to a moment where you can remember being truly happy and try to recreate it now in a way which is more fitting to your current situation. That’s what I recommend. But who am I? And what am I? A mere individual trying to find a pattern which suits my soul. And my pattern may not suit you, but I know that we relate because our common goal is love.

When I learn something, whether it is about me, my world or the world I feel like it is my duty to pass it on. I feel it is everyone’s duty. “Knowledge is power” goes the cliché.

(I apologise if this lacks structure, I’m running with it)

Something in me just clicked – I think I have pinpointed what it is that allows you to have inner peace and balance. When you stop moving at society’s pace and start moving at a pace which is tailored to your needs and desires, you learn that the world around you is there to be enjoyed and not just lived in. That’s when you gain a peace within because there is no force working against you (time)… because everything is in your own. (I’m not sure if I make sense, I feel as though my thoughts are becoming more and more unclear as I go along). All of these things are part of my growth – part of why I exist in this present day and the person I am for it.

I’m not sure how I feel about life just yet. That’s something different. Life is bigger than me (though it may not be). But how I feel about me has changed dramatically. It echoes through my very being. From my core, my soul, to my mind and my eyes to my smile. You can see it. I can see it. The eyes of a young woman who is finding her purpose and loving (even loving to hate) every moment of it.

LEAVE ME ALONE

Female

Femininity at it’s purest

Carry yourself “correctly”

Be what we want you to be

Suffer under patriarchy

Have your opinion but risk not being counted

Independence/dependence

Equality/love

Make your decision.

Young

Grow up, why don’t you?

Mould the future

Next gen.

We’re relying on you.

But you’re oh so disappointing.

All of you.

Our fate is in your hands.

“hoodlums” v “intellects”

Make your decision.

Mixed race

Black or white?

White or black?

What ARE you?

Do you have an identity?

Embrace yourself

“best of both worlds”... are you sure? (what about my world?)

Make your decision.

My decision is... human. Now leave me alone. 

...guilty.

I am guilty.

I haven’t been selfish enough. I have given too much, loved too hard, cared excessively and I have forgotten about myself. As females, we are socialised to be caregivers, to put others first before ourselves and provide support to others in any way we can. Some females have already figured out that sometimes we have to be selfish, and most of the time, it is okay to be selfish. I am on my way to not only acknowledging this, but living it.

People assume that being selfish is a bad thing. If someone is to call me selfish, my first thought is that I am offended. Why? What is so wrong about putting my own needs first? Absolutely nothing. I am my only constant in life, I am the basis of everything in my world. If there is a problem with me, there is a problem with everything else in my life because, no matter how hard I try, my own problems cannot be solved by caring for someone else as a way to ignore and “cope” with the original issue.

If I have security and love within myself, I do not need to seek acceptance from others, I understand the importance of my own needs and wants. I value my own feelings. I place myself above everyone else. Caring for me first does not mean caring less for everyone else in my life, and this is something I struggle with. Damn socialisation, I didn’t ask for this.

Everything begins with me. Learning to love myself is a daily challenge, but one which I have entered wholeheartedly. It is so much harder to accept my actions, thoughts, choices and characteristics than it is to accept my physical appearance, because for so long I haven’t been thinking of myself first. Maybe I have been a coward and have purposely done this to avoid truly loving myself. Do I fear myself? Do I fear the person I will become if I truly love myself? Do I fear the person I will become WHEN I truly love myself and I place myself above others in my life?

It often takes a huge wake up call, a slap in the face, so to speak, to fully recognise where you are going wrong in life and although mine came from an unexpected and unwanted situation, I am so grateful. I know that for those reading this, this seems so personal, but I know that I am not the only female who is on this journey.

I lost myself in ignorance. Did I ever HAVE ‘myself’? That is the question I should be asking. My progress is astounding and for the first time, I am honestly proud of myself. I know that I am a beautiful person, but loving myself needs to extend beyond this, I need to feel confident in my abilities, in my love and in my own stability. Only then will I be able to apply myself fully and recognise the importance of me...because I am everything.