I am flesh

- Like most of the writings on my blog this is another mediocre one (apologies)... I don't like parting with some of my best pieces because they're personal but this is kind of a first draft of a poem I have since been working on for a while. The message is pretty self-explanatory I think.

I am flesh, just like you.

When I hurt my pain is common,

My tears salted,

My heart heavy.

My ethnicity: does it matter?

I darken in the sun,

The cold prickles my skin,

The wind tangles my locks.

On one side,

I am a “black” woman,

With intuition, pride and seriousness.

The embodiment.

On the other side,

I am a “white” woman,

With sensitivity, openness and warmth.

The embodiment.

On my side,

Human.

Mind, soul and body.

The truth.

The sides try to split me.

Choose one, be one.

I am one; me.

Mixed race – more than this.

Because both make a whole,

Both are me.

Accept this – or don’t.

But this one is not changing,

Because just like you,

I am flesh. 

Growth (I think)

- This is just a sort of run of thoughts. I was going along with whatever I was writing. I haven't looked over this since I've written it so excuse any mistakes. I think it might be better if they were left alone so that the moment isn't spoiled.

Pull/push

Take/give

Undeniably my whole soul is in transition. I thought I had found a sense of peace within, for the first time in… never. I stand and I am. These layers which cover me, protect me, the real me. They’re changing. Can I do anything about it? (More to the point, should I?)

Does my exterior influence my interior more so than the other way round? What my eyes feel and what my body sees. Do these things compromise my inner? Or does my inner overpower everything which stands before me? Balance. I need it again. Can balance be overthrown? There are times when I feel that I am balanced and that I am the most powerful being in my whole world but then this is sometimes consumed by my surroundings. Hurt and pain… destruction. Cause me to rebuild. Am I right to conclude that in my rebuilding, I am trying to regain balance? Or is it my balance which causes me to rebuild in the first place?

I’ve observed growth. As though I have stepped out of myself and looked back over my journey so far – I can see that what stands before me now is strong. Not perfect, nor what I ultimately hope to be, but strong nonetheless. For many reasons which I need not explain. Is this what pride feels like?

Life picks at you in so many ways it’s hard to keep a consistency. Make a figure eight. Stir and stir. Thicken. Mould. Define it. Define you. Or can you? Is it the way you speak, the way you think or the way you handle situations? The way you deal with your problems and the way you deal with other people. Are these the things that define me, personally? I wish I could pin it down to one thing because working out where I end up might be slightly easier – but I guess it is the not knowing which keeps me going.

My soul knows no boundaries. Where my mind works with logic, my soul demands the control – it takes me wherever it wishes, purposefully or not I am not sure but this is the growth I am observing. With every day I am coming into my own. Facing obstacles here and there which throw me off course slightly but I get back on, I keep going. I think this is what makes me proud. Sometimes it takes a change in you for you to appreciate where you have been and where you are now. A lot of the time we overcompensate for our mistakes by not recognising our successes as a way to balance it out and take away some of the guilt and regret. It doesn’t work like that. That’s what I have learnt. By depriving yourself of your own appreciation you do not allow room for growth.

I let go a little bit. Forgave a little bit. Channelled my energies more appropriately. Simplicity. Take it back to a moment where you can remember being truly happy and try to recreate it now in a way which is more fitting to your current situation. That’s what I recommend. But who am I? And what am I? A mere individual trying to find a pattern which suits my soul. And my pattern may not suit you, but I know that we relate because our common goal is love.

When I learn something, whether it is about me, my world or the world I feel like it is my duty to pass it on. I feel it is everyone’s duty. “Knowledge is power” goes the cliché.

(I apologise if this lacks structure, I’m running with it)

Something in me just clicked – I think I have pinpointed what it is that allows you to have inner peace and balance. When you stop moving at society’s pace and start moving at a pace which is tailored to your needs and desires, you learn that the world around you is there to be enjoyed and not just lived in. That’s when you gain a peace within because there is no force working against you (time)… because everything is in your own. (I’m not sure if I make sense, I feel as though my thoughts are becoming more and more unclear as I go along). All of these things are part of my growth – part of why I exist in this present day and the person I am for it.

I’m not sure how I feel about life just yet. That’s something different. Life is bigger than me (though it may not be). But how I feel about me has changed dramatically. It echoes through my very being. From my core, my soul, to my mind and my eyes to my smile. You can see it. I can see it. The eyes of a young woman who is finding her purpose and loving (even loving to hate) every moment of it.

LEAVE ME ALONE

Female

Femininity at it’s purest

Carry yourself “correctly”

Be what we want you to be

Suffer under patriarchy

Have your opinion but risk not being counted

Independence/dependence

Equality/love

Make your decision.

Young

Grow up, why don’t you?

Mould the future

Next gen.

We’re relying on you.

But you’re oh so disappointing.

All of you.

Our fate is in your hands.

“hoodlums” v “intellects”

Make your decision.

Mixed race

Black or white?

White or black?

What ARE you?

Do you have an identity?

Embrace yourself

“best of both worlds”... are you sure? (what about my world?)

Make your decision.

My decision is... human. Now leave me alone. 

...guilty.

I am guilty.

I haven’t been selfish enough. I have given too much, loved too hard, cared excessively and I have forgotten about myself. As females, we are socialised to be caregivers, to put others first before ourselves and provide support to others in any way we can. Some females have already figured out that sometimes we have to be selfish, and most of the time, it is okay to be selfish. I am on my way to not only acknowledging this, but living it.

People assume that being selfish is a bad thing. If someone is to call me selfish, my first thought is that I am offended. Why? What is so wrong about putting my own needs first? Absolutely nothing. I am my only constant in life, I am the basis of everything in my world. If there is a problem with me, there is a problem with everything else in my life because, no matter how hard I try, my own problems cannot be solved by caring for someone else as a way to ignore and “cope” with the original issue.

If I have security and love within myself, I do not need to seek acceptance from others, I understand the importance of my own needs and wants. I value my own feelings. I place myself above everyone else. Caring for me first does not mean caring less for everyone else in my life, and this is something I struggle with. Damn socialisation, I didn’t ask for this.

Everything begins with me. Learning to love myself is a daily challenge, but one which I have entered wholeheartedly. It is so much harder to accept my actions, thoughts, choices and characteristics than it is to accept my physical appearance, because for so long I haven’t been thinking of myself first. Maybe I have been a coward and have purposely done this to avoid truly loving myself. Do I fear myself? Do I fear the person I will become if I truly love myself? Do I fear the person I will become WHEN I truly love myself and I place myself above others in my life?

It often takes a huge wake up call, a slap in the face, so to speak, to fully recognise where you are going wrong in life and although mine came from an unexpected and unwanted situation, I am so grateful. I know that for those reading this, this seems so personal, but I know that I am not the only female who is on this journey.

I lost myself in ignorance. Did I ever HAVE ‘myself’? That is the question I should be asking. My progress is astounding and for the first time, I am honestly proud of myself. I know that I am a beautiful person, but loving myself needs to extend beyond this, I need to feel confident in my abilities, in my love and in my own stability. Only then will I be able to apply myself fully and recognise the importance of me...because I am everything.

...now

I am a young woman in a big world, with dreams and ambitions. I said I didn’t want to be a cliché. Can you hear me yet?

We are evolution; don’t disturb my peace.

I can only provide insight into things that I know and considering the immeasurable ‘all’, I know very little. I can make you question however, everything that is visible. That is the power of me, you and everyone around us.

I live in the present because this is the only place that I exist in the physical. My mind and soul may venture into unknown possibilities of the neighbouring past and future from time to time, but reality says I am a figure in the present. Don’t forget to live. I cannot fathom the concept of living in the future, because this is all I know. I shouldn’t need to elaborate. Granted, my now decisions will impact my future but if I live right and think right now, my future will form itself and I shall live in it when the time comes.

I’m far too busy living to cry about the unknown.

I am a realist/optimist/opportunist/everythingist neatly sewn into one soul. I believe my success is measured by my self-fulfilment, which comes from reaching any goals that I set out for myself. Money doesn’t make me feel successful; it merely allows me to live in this capitalist society under pressure. Money is a thing. I am a mind and soul trying to be. If greed is what drives you, your want to live happily will never be fulfilled because your want to for more will always outweigh it. Distortion and dilution victimise our generation. Don’t stunt your own growth by following a path already set out for you, because that path will only lead you to your beginning, with no enlightenment.

Who said I was right? These are my thoughts and you are welcome to them, don’t dispute them ‘cause my soul isn’t interested. Understand growth before you judge it and abuse it. Appreciate now because it is yours to claim. Not everything has a price and you should appreciate the things that don’t.

This is me now, not yesterday or tomorrow.

A Dedication

There are so many things that I cannot explain, but I can provide you with endless comments, anecdotes and insights.

I don’t know why it targeted me or why I allowed it to. In fact, I don’t even know how it all started. One day I decided to sign my life over to Literature.

Though I did it indirectly and unknowingly, I still did it. I have never looked back. Literature has never treated me badly, so I will not allow a bad word. I don’t want to over-complicate things here, I simply want to state.

This is a dedication, in it’s truest form... to Literature.

I’m partial to negativity aimed at my owner. Everyone can identify themselves with a piece of Literature, there is something out there which stands for every individual. You don’t have to want it to stand for you, it just does and with acceptance comes understanding, in that order. Literature is one of few constants in this world, and everyone likes something to rely on. Literature is that glance that speaks to you in a firm way. You don’t have to know what it is to know what it means. With one thing comes another and nothing is alike.

Literature has seen everyone through an experience. To assume your exemption would be to ignore your own being. It doesn’t have to make sense, it creates the rules and you’re simply a follower. A cherished one, I assure you.

This is a dedication.

When I cannot give anymore, and when I feel like my mind’s capacity to mind is overflowed with nothingness, I turn to you. You turn to me! We turn, and never turn away. This insistent binding of you and I on every separate occasion, is simply that... separate. The layers of relationship I form with Literature each time I trace it with my ears, eyes and mind are significant to my character.

I can sit and admire for hours. Literature is my idol. We are Literature’s children, so this is a dedication.

Don’t turn away and shrug as though you don’t recognise; Literature is the lady who gave you your mind.

To know me...

To know me, is to understand my love. To understand my love is to appreciate that fine divide between complexity and simplicity.

Some words, phrases, sentences, need not explaining further.

Mr. Optimism carries my heart in the pocket of his corduroy trousers. As he walks, runs, hops and sits my heart bounces around inside there, complacent in the frivolous bustle. I like it. Whilst Mr. Optimism teaches my heart to extend itself to the more pleasing outcomes, he also teaches it realism. Don’t slow down, don’t dwell too much. Enquire and hope, move forward.

Mrs. Cautious holds my mind’s hands as we walk together in satisfying embrace. (I say satisfying because; sometimes I wish I could rid of her and form a secret love affair with Mr. Careless). Oh what a life. They say it is mind over matter, but it is matter over mind when Mrs. Cautious leads the way. ‘Don’t do that’ she says, ‘think of the consequences’, ‘what about everyone else?’ Suddenly overwhelmed with her tedious teachings and extravagant morals, I give in and my soul comes second... sometimes.

Ms. Meaning has enraptured my soul and I don’t want her to ever free it. Lately, more than ever, I have been enticed by Ms. Meaning, stealing me away from Mrs. Cautious. I don’t mind though, I’ll happily go wherever Ms. M wants me to because I know I’m sure to have fun. She gives me this free feeling which is neatly locked with a shadow of purpose. Purpose which never hides and is shamefully brazen, but still elegant and reposeful. The intricate relationship Ms. M and I share is one which I cannot explain. She encourages expression and provides me with clues, for which I have to give my own explanations.

I can say that three work in perfect, ignorant harmony... but I would be telling a big Mr. Lie. They are in constant competition, battling to overtake. I love all. My three loves give me diversity in their glory and unknown. An imperfect alignment that works so conventionally. Contrasts within similarities.

It works for me, because I love this way.