Dear Life,
Thinking about when our journey will finally end, when you will leave me for someone better, younger and more beautiful. I’ll be alone, lonely, singular. I do this all for you. Will I ever be ready to see you go? I often question myself and my ability to progress, whether I will fulfil everything that is necessary before I must say goodbye?
Biology robbed me blind. I want to remember the exact moment you found me, but we know the memory does not stretch that far. All I know is this; you were there before anyone and throughout my years you have not left my side...thankfully.
My love for you is unconditional but you have bought to me the most grief, pain and hurt. In fact, you have bought every possible negative emotion to me. Tortured my mind, body and soul with your poisonous intent. Damaged my heart and my character. You have pushed me back, prodded me hard in the left side of my chest with your long, strong index finger. I used to hate you, sometimes I think I still do, but then I treasure the fact that every day you become more and more exclusive to me.
I’m not grateful that you abandoned some of my loved ones, that you stopped loving them because it suited you. Do not try to justify your actions – I don’t need that.
My love for you is unconditional but you have bought to me the most grief, pain and hurt. In fact, you have bought every possible negative emotion to me. Tortured my mind, body and soul with your poisonous intent. Damaged my heart and my character. You have pushed me back, prodded me hard in the left side of my chest with your long, strong index finger. I used to hate you, sometimes I think I still do, but then I treasure the fact that every day you become more and more exclusive to me.
I’m not grateful that you abandoned some of my loved ones, that you stopped loving them because it suited you. Do not try to justify your actions – I don’t need that.
I should thank you for your lessons, your blessings. You are my favourite teacher – nobody can do it the way you do. It is your art and your craft. Your knowledge is immeasurable and you share that with me every day. You teach me things I can’t learn in books or through my peers. I adore your lack of structure. I adore your ability to roam freely and adopt yourself to others. Your honesty and brutality are what make you so magnificent. You give me love.
Sometimes I stare into the darkness, suffocated by silence...and wonder if that is what it would be like without you. No laughing, loving or sharing. Just darkness, immobility and the overwhelming absence of sound. Interjections. You have so much substance, to see into your core – I am truly not worthy. You humble me, I owe everything to you. What’s mine is yours.
Every unique situation you assign to me, good and bad, I know I have no option but to see them through. I'm filled with emotion, anger, when I witness people so evidently ungrateful for your presence. Used to be. Can you blame me for wanting to hold on to you? I want to keep you prisoner, but you’re far too strong and independent for that.
You give me the motivation to keep writing, giving myself.
Science does you no justice – it excuses the emotional responses to your existence – I have so much to say. You took my heart on that cool evening and beat it, rhythmically. Things fall apart. Why will you leave me? I don’t care for the when, just the why. You gave me understanding...and I thank you. You know I am grateful. Do you appreciate me too? Everything you have given me - priceless. You can stay, I won’t leave you I promise.
With my pen and my paper, I write you, breathe you.
Tears fall at the thought of your presence and I am weak. You make me so weak. You make me so strong. You make me. You wake me.
Every unique situation you assign to me, good and bad, I know I have no option but to see them through. I'm filled with emotion, anger, when I witness people so evidently ungrateful for your presence. Used to be. Can you blame me for wanting to hold on to you? I want to keep you prisoner, but you’re far too strong and independent for that.
You give me the motivation to keep writing, giving myself.
Science does you no justice – it excuses the emotional responses to your existence – I have so much to say. You took my heart on that cool evening and beat it, rhythmically. Things fall apart. Why will you leave me? I don’t care for the when, just the why. You gave me understanding...and I thank you. You know I am grateful. Do you appreciate me too? Everything you have given me - priceless. You can stay, I won’t leave you I promise.
With my pen and my paper, I write you, breathe you.
Tears fall at the thought of your presence and I am weak. You make me so weak. You make me so strong. You make me. You wake me.
Our relationship is too complex, too complicated for others to grasp. They wouldn’t understand our bond, too strong. Keep them safe. Everyone has a right to you, stop abusing it.
We love you
I love you
You’re mine
Stay a while
Love always, Lauren x
